"Well, it has a rigid offense. That's only good for sexual acts."
-Pascal

"I'd check it out, but I'm not wearing pants."
-Teresa

"I need help moving this giant penis."
-Perkins, while attempting to move a giant dildo

"If it wobbles around in the air like that, it means you need to grip it tighter."
-Eric

"If you need help, I'm coming from behind."
-Edgar

"I can't come to the scrimmage because I was planting grass all morning and now I'm hungry."
-Stephen, pulling an amazing "Trey" or "Jeff"... see profiles

"Well ladies, see you later, I'm about to bounce."
-Mr. Smooth

"If I were a dude, I'd be such a misogynist."
-HHH

"Is that worth any fantasy points, you bastards?"
-Mike, of Mad Cow, to Cloud on the sideline after he put a huck that was caught a few yards short of the end zone.

"This is Catholic volleyball, there's no redemption."
-Perkins

"My prospie fucking loved it."
-Jack, on Party #1

"He needs to stop being so nice to non-ultimate people."
-3dgar, on Pascal

"It all starts with the long socks..."
-Jordan

"I can't help but be embarrassed for him."
-Perkins, on Harding

"Do you have a sister?" -Eric
"No, but if I did, she'd own you in bed." -Jordan

"Steak shake."-Eric
"So Dairy Queen will release a Gizzard Blizzard to compete?" -Stephen, in the awesome conversation

"I think I'd be better off throwing the paddle than hitting the ball."
-Ginsburg, on his ping-pong abilities

"I think I'd choose the machine gun... subtlety is always an option."
-David Brooks on armaments

"I'm sure you're not the only one who left something at my house." -David
"Yeah, but I probably am the only one who stole something... by the way, I think we're going to need to pull over and let your dog out for a minute." -Jordan during the ride back to Houston

"She does the butt!!"
-Rooke on Crystal from Zanzara

"I don't cheat on my girlfriend." -Rooke
"Good thing you tossed that in there after spending the last 25 minutes talking about having Crystal's hands on your ass." -Jordan

"You guys have to try the TP."-Ginsburg
"Is it two ply?"-Eric, before fishing
Later...
"I'm going to go try some of that tp."-Eric

"What if I don't hurt on Thursday? I need vigorous molestation now."
-Jordan

"Bears don't exist."
-Teresa

"I went to the store and got some pinealope. Wait, no, that's not right."
-Eric, during a story about a knife purchased from the home shopping network

"Jordan, get your ass over here! Beer tastes so much better when it comes out of a paper stegosaurus."
-Eric

"But she's so tiny." -Jordan
"Yeah, that's not as much of a problem for me, because I'm so tiny." -Jack

"No, I'm willing to admit that my cock is smaller than Marshall's forearm." -Jordan
"Yeah, but not by much." -Jack

"Jordan, I need what's between your legs."
-Eric

"No, I usually like to get a girl's name before I rape her."
-Matt

"Personally, I'll go with the tent."
-Gins on fucking

"How about everyday in a row?" -Eric on Plyos
"That's not funny, but it is important, like the declaration of independence and shit." -Jordan

"Stephen, your pants are around your ankles."
-Teresa

"Haha, are there burrs in your face?"
-Teresa, to Ginsburg

"Are your balls stuck together?"
-Marshall, to girls

"You think you could hit the baby with a hammer from here?" -Jordan
"What's the point? he'd never catch it." -HHH

"The law and psychology have just completely different definitions of insanity. It's silly."
-Ben on rape

"Sometimes I wake up hucking."
-Gins

"But when you go to the bathroom, it's like WHEE!!"
-Ben on kilts.

"$6 pita slut!"
-Edgar and Eric

"Hey, can I borrow some of your deodorant?"-Perkins
"Sure, but this relieves my chapstick obligations to you."-Patrick
"But I slept with you last night!"-Perkins
"Yeah but I saved your life."-Patrick

"Ok, well, I'll play with it and see if anything comes out."
-Greg, on Physics

"Can I have the middle bite of that burger? The middle bite is the best."
-Edgar

"We floated Edgar."
-ZK

"Holy crap, you're going for Mickey's? You better drink that fast."
-Guy at liquor store

"I'll go in. Oh, wait, I'm already in."
-Glick

"Does anyone have any ID we can use?"
-Cindy
"Yeah."
-Chris
"It's for a girl."
-Cindy
"Yeah, I got you covered."
-Chris, before he pulled out 3 girls' IDs from his wallet

"I'm in Asian alcohol tolerance mode."
-Chris, while singing a peculiarly vulgar song

"I've totally decided that I need to call somebody the wrong name in bed."
-Jordan

"If you drink beer, your boobs will grow bigger."
-Random Guy to Michelle

"On your mark - shut up."
-Perkins

"I'm sorry, he's cuter than you."
-Jack, to Lauren, after which she slapped him.

"These are brand new jeans!"
-Marshall, on why he wouldn't do stuff in the popcorn

"I've eaten plenty of newspaper in the past."-Teresa

"I'm still on drugs. Wait, shit, I need to take drugs.-Teresa

"Dude, this is uncomfortable underwear."-Mary Kay

"How hard is it to climb a tree when it isn't even moving?"-Random sketchy grad
"No way."-Neil, in response to a later telling of the quote

"Everyone should die young and naked."-Jordan

"Ginsburg, next time you do that I'll cut you like a fish."-Teresa

"This sucks. I should take off my shirt."-Teresa

"I need a bib."-Mary Kay, on just about everything she dumps on herself

"Pascal doesn't count. He fathers everyone."-HHH

"He's this tall guy, a douche. He looks like a douche all around."-Arash, on how he got the name Skinrash

"What? I'm confused."-Teresa, classic Teresa

"What time did you leave last night?" -Jordan
"Staggering." -Darren

"I'm blowing beer in my bubbles." -Paul

"I just knew there was someone really big on top of me and I was waiting for them to get off."
-Maiella

"Oh my god I love your hair."
-Girls on Jordan's hair. (except Candace, she hates his hair)

"Don't make me get you drunk and take you to Banana Republic!" -Jordan
"Quotepage!" -Ginsburg
"Dammit, and I try NOT to sound gay on the quotepage! -Jordan

"Jordan, give me your ID."-Eric
"Come get it out of my pants."-Jordan

"Ginsburg, you make cookies like you play darts."-Eric
"Yeah, you throw things at the wall."-Slicer

"Don't worry, it shrinks when it hardens."
-Slicer

"Oh my God!"
"Harding Brumby!"
"Mr. Smooth? H-Train?"
"No way! I know that guy."
--overheard in the RMC after some guy opened the Thresher.

"Holy crap, I actually threw a real forehand!"-Jordan
"That's good. You've taken your first step into a larger world."-Obi Wan Kenobi

"The program takes the rainfall forcast and predicts how much water will be in the bayou. Like 17000 cubic feet per second is fine, but 24000 means they evacuate the Med Center. I'd say that's about 10000 cfps right now."
-Eric, to girls

"Red polka dot?" -Jessica
"Ooh, ooh, me!" -Ginsburg

"I hope Junker's all drugged up."
-Noodle

"I like it better from behind."
-Jessica

"Jessica said she likes it better from behind and Jordan likes it better at 90 degrees. They both told me Wednesday night."
-Lauren

"We can't get it in and everybody's giving up."
-Michelle

"I hate this fucking tree now. Let's go smoke."

"The mockingbird is almost as cool as the Millenium Falcon."
-Teresa

"Why am I carrying around all these condoms?"
-Teresa

"Oh man, Jordan and I totally need to go shopping."
-Marshall

"Why were you screaming?"-Gins, Lauren, Paul, and Maiella in response to the most blood-curdling screech in history
"I woke up and saw Maiella."-Mary Kay

"Your talents will be recognized and rewarded."-Gins's fortune cookie
"That has to be on the field and not in bed because I don't have any talents in... oh wait."-Gins

"I really want a grilled cheese sandwich."
-Noodle, during Endzone drill at 9:30

"There are two reasons I'm glad I didn't go to Stanford. One, I got to play ultimate. Two, I got to hook up."
-ZK

"Two things about Dartmouth women [that make them unappealing]: Drinking and soft serve ice cream. The first I can deal with..." -ZK
"Because it improves your success rate?" -Pascal

"Yeah, that girl thinks I'm looking at her puppy, but no. I'm thinking about showing her my ass... and maybe rubbing my balls up against the window too."
-Eric at TC

"I'd like to complement you on your Rand McNally. They make the best maps." -Eric
"What?!? That's bullshit. DeLorme owns Rand McNally!"-Jordan

"Get your head out of my crotch."
-Aaron to Jamie

"Gotta nap, I got up at 530pm, I'm tired
-Eric

"What's wrong with your average Rice girl?"-Jessica
"They're not 14."-Jack Chi

"Why's it doing that?"-HHH
"Because it's on fire."-Ben

"She's trying to stab me!"-Gins
"Who wouldn't?"-HHH

"We should all run into the wall. There's a finite probability that one of us would end up on the other side. I also think all of Hanszen should jump off the building because one of us would forget to hit the ground and then we'd all get distracted and fly."
-Jessica

"Hey Pascal, your apple broke. There was no juice."
-Chris

"Monkeys are not inanimate."-Gins
"Until you shoot them!"-Ellen

"Oh man, all three captains are here. For once."
-Darren

"I amn't drunk."
-Arash

"Haven't you ever raved before?"
-Jordan

"That's a bad idea. If you're interested, there's a lighter in there. It'll feel better."
-Stephen Adams on eating habaneros.

"You mean these nuts aren't supposed to be squishy?"
- Aaron

"No offense, but your chest is a little small for my taste."
-Jordan

"I can't believe I pissed my pants so wicked bad."
-Perkins

"I'm eating my shirt?? NO WAY!!"
-Eric

"You want me to put your what in my mouth?"
-Jimmy

"I did not say I'm gay, so I'll wear that shirt; I said, I'll wear that shirt, cause I'm gay."
-Edgar

"This alcohol was pretty cheap, but I'll drink it. Hell, I'll drink sewer water, I'm Monroe!!!!!!"
-Monroe

"The fucking was pretty good, but it wasn't much of a challenge."
-Trevor

"Story, story, story, I'm the fucking coolest dickwad in the universe."
-Eric

"That's sandwich guy, and he has the biggest...nevermind."
-Gillie

"It's not really that small.... it was cold outside."
-Marshall

"If Aaron were a dinosaur and I were Los Angelos, he can go fuck himself."
-Trevor

"My bed's already too small. If there's going to be a lot of pillow talk, I'll hit the futon." -Pascal

"Junk, do you have any hot sisters?" -Ben
"She's 32 or 33." -Junker
"2 or 3 hot sisters?" -Ben

"I always get oleo, but I never get anal."
-Aaron

"What's conditioning?"
-Aaron

"I hate douches."
-Mary Kay

"Guys lose like 40 IQ points on Valentines day."-Chris
"Yeah, all that sex will kill some brain cells."-Jordan
"No, it's all the crying and masturbating."-Chris

"Marshall's not here? Lauren's in the other room. Quick, everybody capitalize!"
-Jordan

"Is Lauren a guy?"
-Cat

"Is that a sex toy? No, it's just a kid."
-Jordan

"People who drink do this a lot." -Maiella
"Girls! Girls! Girls! -Eric

"You can't beat a Jew at Kosherland."
-Aaron to Mary Kay

"I gotta go to the bathroom." -Eric
"Fill me up!" -Perkins
"Uh...do you really want that?" -Eric

"The wind is like the 8th defender." -Pascal
"Dude, that's totally deep!" -Teresa

"What? One to Eric Williams? But he's not hot."
-Elaine

"This tastes kinda like awesome."-Gins
"Kinda, or mostly?"-Eric
"Eh, mostly."-Gins

"Dude, they've got a Harding on their team."
-Traverso, on TCU

"So is 'contains quinine' an advertisement or a warning?"
-Monroe, on some tonic water

"Where did my little Gins go?"
-Ben

"Wow Darren's cleats are small." -Aaron
"That's because Darren's asian and has a small penis."-Matt

"It's ok, we'll just tabletop Aaron during the scrimmage."-Rooke
"What's that? It sounds dirty." -Jordan
"Well, one guy goes down on him from behind..."-Rooke

"Where's the weight room in Autry?"
-Brad, February 22nd, '05

"My this and this both hurt. " -Teresa
"As an EMT, I hope that you actually know the names of those things."-Jordan

"We need to beat us some womens!"
-Chris

"Only plyos can save us now."-Gins
"That's some zen shit right there."-Jordan

"I mean, I can sew in a straight line...when I'm not drunk."
-Cindy

"There's never been a 4 hour period in my life where I haven't showered."
-Jordan

"A team turban? That would be cool!" -Pascal
"Maybe Neil can make one..." -Perkins
"Might Ajay have better luck with that, though?" -Jordan

"It made me happy to know that I'm not considered to be the person most likely to go jihad."
-Neil, on above quote.

"Ginsburg, you eat cake like you play darts!"
-Jordan

"That's gross. I don't want Jordan taste in my mouth."
-Mary Kay

"Neil, you're very suggestible." -Pascal
"What's that mean?" -Neil

"Fucking reverse Jesus."
-Paul

"Hey, girl who reads the quotepage, my number is (832) 752-4726."
-Eric

"I'm not a doctor! I just put the paddles on and push the button."
-Heckelman

"'Condoms to go?' Where the fuck else would you have them? 'For there?' That's a bad idea."
-Paul

"What are you laughing at?" -Jordan
"Amino acids." -MK

"I think Red Bull and NyQuil would give you a heart murmur."
-Paul

"He's the ultimate poser."
-Marshall

"Dinner was excellent."
-Marshall repeatedly, at Lauren's house.

"I've never had so much fruit in my fruit salad." -Perkins
"Wait until you get to the bottom, you've never had so much steak in your fruit salad." -Jordan

"I'd go back to Malaysia this summer, but I'd only make $2/hour."
-MK

"I don't think I remember saying that quote about it being cold out and me being small." -Marshall
"I don't know, I think I can visualize it." -Lauren

"I'll live." -Marshall
"Wow, that's a relief." -Lauren

"Look at this place, Creek Nation everything, they're fucking taking over!"
-Jordan

"'This is candle is white'. Jordan, write that down!" -Mary Kay
"No, it's actually yellow." -Paul

"11 across, 'another name for pirate's treasure,' 5 letters"

"Yeah, I'm pretty much all talk, really."
-Glick

"You probably don't want to blow a hog."-Jordan
"Yeah, but you definitely don't want to blow your son."-Perkins

Boggle "Things you can blow" word list: nose, host, son, hog, log, hose, git, sot, Stong, squatter

"I guess, I dunno, pure digital penetrating does little for most girls, though there have been a few things I've been meaning to try."-Jack

"Cock?"-Perkins

"Yeah, that's what I wanna see!"-Eric

"Why does everyone think I'm the same person as Maiella and Teresa and Katherine?"-Jessica

"Did you rape her?"-Gins
"I don't do flutists."-HHH

"Penis and cactus don't go together too well."-Ben

"I don't think you want to blow a taser."-Pascal

"I just have this intuitive sense of what pee tastes like."-Mary Kay

"I drink vodka because there's no reason not to drink vodka."-Mary Kay

"Avoid the clap."-Jimmy Dougan

"This is the best 'my 21st birthday' he's ever had."-Ben

"Marshall is a bad man."-Maiella

"Check out that guys dreds. I gotta get me some of that."-Dunn

"Side-boob!"-Eric

"Then we can do some pool-yos."-Neil

"Hey Neil, you got a fire extinguisher?"-Edgar, on grilling

"So you can be like, 'no skin off my back.'"-Edgar, on Aaron's biopsy

"Excommunication was a popular way for ancient civilizations to deal with locusts."-John L. Capilena, from the History Channel. WTF?

"Harding's brain is like a puzzle." -Eric

"Yeah, I've already tried that. You end up getting a lot of wet cream in your mouth. It's gross."-Aaron

"Cindy, can you keep up the pelvic thrusts?"-Harding

"It's a cool name because it sounds like titty."-Gins, on the Audi TT

"My crotch feels like cold milk."-Gins, after removing a gallon of cold milk from said crotch

"This is like real Lebanese shit guys." -Mary Kay on hummus

"Floam was so much better than gak! It was a genius of marketing to get people to buy that stuff. Some shit in a can."-Little Jordan

"Why isn't Marshall at Lauren's house?"-Jessica, 4/27/05

"I'm not fast but I go for a while."-Pascal

Worst Excuses | 05-06 | 04-05 | 03-04 | 02-03