"I can't decide if Ultimate is better than sex. It's a hypothesis I'll keep testing."
-Trey

Lucas: "Doing plyos off of boxes is good. Doing them off of balconies is better."
Pascal (without sarcasm): "Agreed."

"I'm a fast eater. I like to pack it in, which can be a problem when it comes to packing in other things."
-Harding

"If there's a drink in front of me, I'll just keep going."
-Harding

"Don't count on me to drive due to a mishap between my aunt and my parked car."
-Karl

"probably won't make it to practice today. I got two hours sleep because of a mid term I have today and I have no clean socks left."
-Jeff, on a day when it was pouring outside and everything was muddy anyway.

Trivial Pursuit question: what is the flap of skin at the back of the throat called?
Eric:"Hint, it's not foreskin."

"I'm going to be the pimp on the girls' team."
-Harding

"This is the freshmen and the freshmen partner team."
-Harding

"God, I hope I never contribute [to chicken wings]."
-Pascal

"Well, it sounds like your friends are douche bags."
-Ryan to Harding.

"The fat guy and the skinny guy: isn't that Trey and Edgar?"
-Perkins

Cat: "There's a very powerful family from Dallas named 'Ginsburg'."
Adam: "Probably spelled the wrong way."

"Only sober people would try that shit."
-Harding

"I promise you, I did not see anyone's nipples."
-Harding to Cat.

"Who's more attractive? Me or some girl?"
-Harding

"Yeah, I did get it from some Berkeley woman."
-Pascal

Hannah: "Are you Jewish? 'cause those guys are cheap."
Adam: "So, what's your name?"

"Sometimes the street lights make circles on the ground and I do orgo. I'll stand on the edge and make orbitals."
-Patrick while really, really drunk.

"Oh, it says 'suits you'. I thought it said 'sluts you'."
-Eric in reference to a billboard.

"My friend's grandma hand sews all of my boxers."
-Patrick

"I wouldn't remember this if I were drunk...so it's not important." -Ryan

"It's not as thick enough."
-Edgar

"I think we should blow up Houston."
-Monroe in the midst of a conversation about ultimate.

"Oh, Fry's? That's cool. But all this stuff..."
-Eric [waving hand at Houston sprawl]

"If you want to see a [real] zoo, come to Omaha."
-Eric

"Someone want to hop out [of the car] and hit the 'we-want-to-cross-the-street' button?
-Ryan while waiting for a Houston stoplight to turn green.

"Fuck you, light!"
-Monroe commenting on said stop light.

"We got some purple stuff, cola, Sublime. Hey, alright, grab the Sublime!"
-Eric

"There's a band called 'purple stuff'?"
-Monroe

"Alright, I give up, how do you open this thing?....fucking Apple... AHHH, I see. It was backwards."
-Eric trying to open Pascal's iBook.

"If you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be?"
-Max Glick's attempt at conversation on a long car ride.

Tom: "Did you actually work at Chipotle?"
Adam: "No...not yet."

"Is this a one-way....ah fuck!"
-Pascal

Zach D.: "I heard on the radio that all the women from this area are applying to be strippers during the Super Bowl."
Perkins: "Isn't your mom from this area?"

"I got turned down by so many people in the last few days."
-Pascal

"I took this test for bulimics, and it turns out that except for the throwing up part, I'm a bulimic."
-Keith after the one tournament he played with Rice.

Cloud Nine's and Miss Red's list of Rhetorical Philosophical Questions:
"What the hell is up with Neal?"
"Why is Teresa such a spaz?"
"Why is Pascal always there when Teresa and Daniela are having dirty conversations?

"It was almost as good as Lucas in the shower."
-Pascal

"I'm not impeding his shit any more than he's impeding mine."
-Perkins describing an argument he had after one of his layouts.

"I've been too in control."
-Harding

"He needs to masturbate before he plays."
-Jimmy on Lucas.

"There's nothing wrong with single moms. You know they put out."
-Eric

Talking about condoms, after Eric's quote above:
"Single moms don't care."
-Perkins

"My car's like a slut: everyone's driven her."
-Andy

Pascal: "We had some mechanical problems: throws, catches..."
Eric: "Radiator..."
Edgar: "Fellatio!"

"If the vibrator's the best she can do, that's good."
-Pascal

"Do you work here?"
-Woman at gas station to Ajay.

"How much is a quarter?"
-Eric to Tina.

Julia: "It's nearing midnight."
Patrick: "Wait, what time is it?"
Cindy explains that we're moving the party to her place.
Patrick: "Wait, we're moving the party right?"

"I want my empty full of beer."
-Perkins

"There's a keg in the bathroom?"
-Patrick

"NO! Stop drinking, that's the toilet."
-Keith

"Pascal, you missed my accident."
-Patrick

"I was playing drunken pool and i totally couldn't funken... i meant, focus."
-Patrick

"Someone's on my couch."
-Patrick upon returning from the bathroom during the party.

"Get out you mother fucker!"
2 seconds later...
"Thanks for the beer, playah!"
-Patrick

"Don't throw them away. I'm about to eat some of those."
-Patrick

Jimmy: "Patrick, make some comment like, 'I hate your shoes, mother fucker!'."
Patrick: "Didn't I say that already?"

Drunken math:
Jimmy: "Layout on top of 'em for $2."
Perkins: "You layout on top of 'em for $3."
Perkins and Jimmy: "Okay."
Perkins: "You owe me a dollar."

"Oh, it smells like puke -- awesome!"
-Perkins

"Who the fuck threw up?"
-Patrick

"Oh, you remember that orange you ate?"
-Perkins to Patrick.

"Are these my pants?"
-Eric

Eric: "Finish off the beer?"
Perkins: "I don't know, man. I've been running around playing ultimate and trying not to puke."
Ajay: "Perkins, are you okay? Do you want some pineapple cake?

"I've drunk so much of everything so far."
-Perkins

"Are you kidding? I'm going to finish this beer, go home, watch soft core porn for 2 hours, and then go to sleep."
-Perkins

"A stack of potatos doesn't float in water, bitch!!@$"
-Patrick

"You guys owe me $70 for driving here. I have a pistol, two knives, and three guns. If you don't pay, I'm going to drop you off in Mexico without any clothes."
-Ajay

Zach K.: "Whatever happened to Seal (the musician)?"
Edgar: "He got clubbed."

"Wait, 1993 came out in Terminator 2?"
-Patrick

"They were asking me all these hard questions like 'what's his last name?'"
-Eric on the paramedics who were attending to Tom.

"I have trouble with avocados."
-Adam

"Is this honey?"
-Adam

"It sure would suck to be named 'Pick'."
-Adam

"Are you known for having really muscular forearms?"
-Jess to Traverso

"If stupidity was worth cookies, I'd be fat."
-Teresa and Neal, coauthors

"Naturally, Mr. Smooth wants creamy PB."
-Harding

"I got all the impotence you need."
-Tom

"That's a women's team? Fucking shit!"
-Monroe about the Oregon's women's team.

Stephen: ". . . that is if you take the position that eating people is wrong."
Glick: "There are people who don't take that position?"

"Nice shoes, wanna play ultimate?"
-Perkins pick up line.

Eric: "Ultimate is that sport with the dogs."
Stephen: "What, ultimate girls don't have a good reputation?"

"It is really cool to see women's ultimate that involves running."
-Harding

"No, not the Underarmour!"
-Adam as Eric tried to throw him in the ocean.

"Those are such British pants."
-Edgar to Tom.

"I haven't been anywhere close to any girl since last year. I'm not saying that's a bad thing."
-Harding

Edgar: "I don't think I need a second burger, I'm gonna drink tonight."
Eric: "So am I."
EdBURgar (self-nick-named): "Yeah, but you're Eric, though."

"Hey, thats boobs."
-ZK

Monroe showing Edgar a calculator: "You know the probability...."
Edgar: "Yeah, I know how to do boobs on a calculator."

"17 is not a problem."
-Eric

ZK: "I'm sure the girls in the minivan were in high school."
Eric: "No, only one was..."

"Wow, need some alcohol after that."
-Connie (Keith's sister) after the toilet overflowed.

Bryan: "There's a bowl of unsuspecting chips."
Pascal: "Should I 'be right back'?"

Rosio, (waitress): "Ok, I've got Justin Timberlake."
Pascal: "Right here."

"Keith, put your pants on and stay away from Harding."
-Marshall

"Cool. There's a funnel in the ground."
-Stephen upon seeing an open pit mine from the window of the airplane.

"Now we just need to keep up the same level of intensity on the ultimate field as on the minefield."
-Glick after an intense game of Minesweeper.

"It occured to me that two quarters are less than one dollar."
-Glick, when paying for dinner before Presidents Day.

"Is 80085 an area code?"
-Pascal

"I'm telling you, there has to be a poo-bandit about."
-Tom

"There were a bunch of little people running around."
-Glick said of Maiella's brothers and sisters.

"He's in super-paranoid anti-Junker mode"
-Teresa on Ginsburg.

"I'm an awful person. Whatever."
-Eric on hookups.

"Hewo?"
-Chris (no context since you "had to be there")

"Not having a girlfriend is good for ultimate."
-Eric

"If you need some time in the bathroom, we understand."
-Eric

"You look really good in a Cloud 9 jersey."
-Harding to Teresa.

"I kept thinking, 'Why am I marking a boy?'"
-Jessica on marking Teresa.

"We are all voyeurs at heart."
-Greg

Worst Excuses | 05-06 | 04-05 | 03-04 | 02-03