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Rice vs. UH, December 2, 1995

SWC Swan Song

ACTION: Pallbearers carry coffin labelled "SWC" to middle of the field as soon as we're allowed on the field...

ENTRANCE: GO RICE

FORMATION: SWC

ANNOUNCER: The Southwest Conference ends as it began; four state institutions, three religious institutions, and one educational institution. While the other schools have seen investigation and even *death* at the hands of the NCAA, the student-athletes at the "institute for the advancement of letters, science and art" have always been able to define and *spell* the word "amateur".

MUSIC: keyboard with organ-stops plays a dirge Rice's Honor during the scatter to...

FORMATION: WAC

ACTION: for the following segment - the cheerleaders form the numbers of the countdown with their bodies...

ANNOUNCER: From WAC headquarters in Denver - the top ten differences between the WAC and the S-W-C:

#10. Sixteen teams means twice the fun!
#9. Two Rice Stadiums!
#8. Proof that there's football outside of Texas
#7. No schools bigger than the state of Rhode Island
#6. B-Y-U Cougars aren't toothless and declawed
#5. Mountains
#4. De-fense is only something found between de-houses
#3. Lots more frequent flier miles
#2. WAC mascots are potty trained

And the number one difference. Two words:

MOB: NO AGGIES! (yelled)

MUSIC: Sing, Sing, Sing

ACTION: scatter at each drum-break; the aggregate mascots fight it out, eventually working out their differences and ubangeeing the Aggies; song ends and MOB scatters to form...

FORMATION: Hawaiian islands

ANNOUNCER: The orange moo-cows, baptist bears, red T-raitors and maroon marching *morons* sought greener pastures. The green was money . Abandoning all pretense of "amateur athletics", the semi-pro--grams bailed for the big-buck Big Eight. The Owls found a roost in the WAC. We'll say "Aloha" from Honolulu, while our former foes can just go to... Kansas.

MUSIC: Carry On My Wayward Son

ACTION: Money and TV's are used to herd the greed-heads into position, where a BIG-12-TON weight will fall on them from the second deck; song ends and MOB scatters to...

FORMATION: 1953

ANNOUNCER: Should auld acquaintance be forgot? No. In 1915, Rice played in the first Southwest Conference football game. Now, we're playing in the last - number nineteen hundred fifty three. In the year 1953, Rice was the conference champion; and the Owls won the '54 Cotton Bowl with the help of the famous "bench tackle" that will always remind the world of the Conference - and Rice.

MUSIC: Auld Lang Syne

ACTION: during music the formation changes to...

FORMATION: RICE

ACTION: Giant football is snapped to 47-clad SA, who runs for the far endzone, only to be chased by to red-and-white clad players carrying a bench; eventually abandon the bench and tackle him; ref carries ball to endzone and signals touchdown, with others throwing tantrums or celebrating; song ends...

ANNOUNCER: Something's just not right. The conference can't end yet. It's not over 'til...

ACTION: coffin opens, Wagnerian fat-lady climbs out and emits a soprano operatic tremolo note

ACTION: Fat-lady produces cowbell and starts...

MUSIC: Louie, Louie

ACTION: Exit

NOTE: DO NOT EAT THIS SENTENCE

Epilogue: Very well received. The loudest vocal crowd response from a non-A&M, non-UT home crowd in recent memory. Nearly everything worked. There was even cooperation from the Athletic Department, as they delayed starting the halftime clock for five minutes, and then simply stopped the clock to allow us to have ten minutes on the clock when our show started. This helped enormously, as I saw the clock at 0:06 as the last few stragglers were leaving the playing surface.

Keyboard diminished-Rice's Honor was great (and we even got away with the added length).

Compliments from many, including Malcolm Gillis.

Halftime score: Rice-10 UH-3
Final score: Rice-17 UH-18
Attendance: 28,400