ANNOUNCER: This is the last MOB show of the regular season, and, if you can't count, the millennium - so we want to take a few minutes to respond to the many cards and letters the MOB receives over the course of a century. So sit back for something we like to call - Viewer Mail.

ANNOUNCER: We have here actual letters from actual viewers. After all, if they weren't real letters, would we be able to do this?

ANNOUNCER: The fan seated in Section 6, Row 12, Seat 2 writes, "The MOB is so lame, not like in the good old days when you insulted everyone all the time and had riots with the Aggies. Why don't you insult people anymore?" Well, we take all comments seriously, so - Mister Seat Number 2, we think you are a scabby, ulcerous, vermin-infested piece of garbage who wouldn't know good comedy if it bit him on the butt. And now we'll add injury to insult.

ACTION: SA's planted in stands drag fan out of Section 6, Row 12, Seat 2 and onto the field. They attack the fan mercilessly, finally dragging him to a guillotine where his head is chopped off and thrown back towards his seat. 

ANNOUNCER: OK, letter number two.

ANNOUNCER: Internet prophet Robert Lavelle writes, "The MOB's props are too small. I can't tell what they are. Why can't you build something BIG, something we can figure out, like in the Super Bowl? No problem, Robert. Few people know that the idea for giant props comes from the MOB's own Show Assistants -- so we're pleased to unveil MEGAPROP! Of course the Super Bowl has money and we use duct tape.

ACTION: SA's wheel out MEGAPROP, a 20-foot tall conglomeration of a military tank, port-o-potty, and a cute, smiling head. At a dramatic moment in song, door opens and two-ply is flung. 

ANNOUNCER: Letter number three.

ANNOUNCER: Mr. U. Tepminer writes, "The MOB's shows are so confusing! I can never understand them. Why don't you print some kind of guide that explains the show?" Happy to, Mr. Tepminer. The MOBgineers have developed an easy-to-follow MOB Engineered Show System. This MESS will completely explain the following segment. If you still don't get it, don't worry - we couldn't all go to Rice.

ACTION: SA's do something completely baffling, while other SA's display a really , hideously complex flow chart and point back and forth between symbols on the chart and events on the field as if this explains everything.

ANNOUNCER: A letter from the Student Association says: "The MOB is too out of touch with the student body here at Rice. Unlike us, you don't understand the students' concerns." We'd like to assure the student council that we are very concerned with students, and point out that the MOBsters themselves are students who pay the same $100 tuition that everyone else does.

The letter goes on to ask: "And do you have to play Louie, Louie at the end of every show?"