ACTION: Script starts IMMEDIATELY upon taking the field.

FORMATION: Enter from all sides into a pre- N C A A position.

ANNOUNCER: Once upon a time, there was a college athletic conference. But this conference had a problem. It had BIDS: Booster Immune Deficiency Syndrome - the great crippler of college football. Help was desperately needed, but where would it come from? The Centers for Disease Control?

MOB: "NO!"

ANNOUNCER: The FBI?

MOB: "NO!"

ANNOUNCER: Then who?

FORMATION: Snaps to N C A A on whistle.

ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh... It was worse than anyone imagined.

MUSIC: 007

ACTION: Spy/detective types discover/uncover money and car keys changing hands.

FORMATION: Scatter to F R O G with trumpets and/or bones in line at front.

ANNOUNCER: It all started in the most unlikely of places: a school that was so nice that it lost most of its football games, just to make the other teams happy.

MUSIC: WILLIAM TELL INTRO

ACTION: Football players dressed as TCU people (purple) gracefully take a snap and then graciously hand the ball over to the opposing type team members (who are dressed in our Rice jerseys...). The Rice person then runs viciously for the endzone...

ANNOUNCER: But then, tragedy struck. For the first time in 19 years, they went to a bowl game. Was their immunity deficient?

The coach called a team meeting and asked all those infected with BIDS to step forward. (pause)

MOB: "Me! Me!" The entire MOB moves forward, hands raised, into a loose concert formation

FORMATION: Concerty type thing

ANNOUNCER: It was unbelieeeeeeeeeeeeeevable. From there, the condition spread. In the mud huts of Panhandle U, they lost 3 scholarships. THE University lost 5, forcing the coach to flee to the Greener Acres of Purdue. And at the state Farm and sheep school, their star quarterback had it sooooo bad...

MOB: "HOW BAD WAS IT?"

ANNOUNCER: ...he had to turn pro and take a pay cut. (pause) There was one other school, but there's no point in beating a dead horse.

FORMATION: CAR

MUSIC: CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

ACTION: Flagpoles with conference flags, starting with Rice. The Rice flag goes all the way to the top, but each one after that falls short, with SMU at half-mast. "P" flags flying beneath the school flag denote probation (with "skull and crossbones" under the SMU flag). The flags should be stiffened, so that they are readable even in the absence of a breeze.

FORMATION: $BILL

ANNOUNCER: The state legislature was in a panic. Who could lead them out of this crisis? Well, the Governor had experience in these matters. Unfortunately, it was the wrong kind of experience. So it was obvious there could be no help from executive Clements-y.

MUSIC: GIGOLO

ACTION: Governor-type person stands on a soapbox-like platform and lectures to the crowd of football players while handing out money to them.

FORMATION: scatter to SYRINGE

ANNOUNCER: But there was hope. One small, private school has shown no symptoms at all. Could they have the answer? Well, that school was looking forward to stomping their now-depleted foes into the ground, but, being good sports, they've decided to help: By using their so-called marching band to administer a series of BOOSTER SHOTS to show that college football can be just plain fun again. Now hold still and take your medicine.

MUSIC: TWIST AND SHOUT

ACTION: Plunger in syringe moves, with the usual party-type stuff associated with the song.

MOB bows and scatters off the field...