Big Lies

SETTING: MOB on sidelines

ANNOUNCER: Wait! Don't leave your seats! The MOB is coming. This halftime show will have more features than the

Orange Bowl. You have my word on it, or my name's not Joe Isuzu.

MUSIC: single snare drum roll...

ANNOUNCER: Who is the MOB? The MOB was the Grand Champion of this year's "Star Search," opened for The WHO and won the 1988 Pulitzer Prize for Marching Band. We're the Geometrically Perfect, Grammy award-winning,

Rice University Marching Owl Band!

ANNOUNCER: The Band is led by Rice's Nobel Laureate Dr. Ken Dye, and under the field direction of Playboy

Playmate-of-the-Year Mary Beth Gracy.

FORMATION: MOB

MUSIC: You Can Call Me Al

music ends and MOB scatters to:

FORMATION: Wave

ANNOUNCER: Rice and Tulane are both small, private universities.

In fact, every Rice student is here tonight. Small schools believe quality is more important than quantity. But if you wipe out, there's always a

Large - State - University, what we call an

L. -- S. -- U.

There, you can major in FOOD, (pause)

Alcoholic Engineering and Elementary Intelligence, and go through life fat, drunk and stupid.

MUSIC: WIPE OUT

music ends and MOB scatters to:

FORMATION: Tequila bottle

ANNOUNCER: The MOB is a disciplined group of scholar-musicians who managed to avoid the notorious Marching Band Note-Shaving Scandals of the recent past. Yes, the MOB is a paragon of virtue. When school officials expressed concern about the band staying in the French Quarter, where the drinking age is SEVENTEEN, the MOBsters voted to go straight to their hotel after the game and study .

MOB: NO!

MUSIC: TEQUILA

music ends and MOB scatters to:

FORMATION: LOUIS

ANNOUNCER: The people have LONG expressed their dissatisfaction with the Louisiana State Song. Buddy Roemer, the Governor(,) this week(,) unveiled a new song that reflects the motto of the Sportsman's Paradise:

"Union -- Justice -- Confidence"AND honors the state's namesake.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the NEW

State Song of Louisiana: Louie Louie.

MUSIC: LOUIE LOUIE

music ends and MOB scatters to:

FORMATION: SHOUT CHEVRONS

ANNOUNCER: Rice is leading the Southwest Conference. Numero Uno.

That's number one. Swollen with pride, the MOB feels obligated to act as Goodwill Ambassadors to those schools with NO wins and no Marching Band of their own. So we're here to say: if you don't have a Marching Band, get one! It's something to shout about.

MUSIC: SHOUT

after "one more time" the MOB exits to a delirious ovation...

ANNOUNCER: And, remember, the MOB is also available for birthdays, weddings, and bar-mitzvahs! We're already booked for the Cotton Bowl, but otherwise we're available.

EPILOGUE: We sure sounded good. The Tulane *nouns* brought out a Mardi Gras float of the Green Wave on a trailer and drove it around the perimeter of the stadium during our performance, probably throwing the stupid little plastic footballs. Anyway, it was a distraction. The Superdome sound system was less than wonderful and most of the script was lost in the background. We lost the game.

ATTENDANCE: 29,469

SUPERDOME

HALFTIME SCORE 16-10