FORMATION: Band is on sidelines, ready for "Turning It Loose" .

ANNOUNCER:goodeveningladiesandgentlemenandwelcometoricestadiumwellhereitsthenineteeneightiesandmostofthemusicweheartodayispreprogrammedelectronicdiscowerarelygetthechancetohearamasterbluesbandpracticetheircraftbytheyeartwothousandandsixthemusictodayknownastheblueswillbefoundonlyintheclassicalrecordsectionofyourlocalpubliclibrarysonowwhilewestillcanletusintroducethebluesbandofsouthmainthebluesowlband

ACTION: Does it really have to be explained?

FORMATION: Band runs out in four parts to M O B

MUSIC: TURNING IT LOOSE

ANNOUNCER: The United States is at a crossroads. Our foreign policy is getting blown to pieces, while our domestic policy is falling apart. The national debt is going up, while the space program... isn't. What does America do in times like these? Why, look back to the good old days! And so, the MOB presents our list of the best Anniversaries for 1987!

FORMATION: Scatter to a Liberty Bell (crack and all)

ANNOUNCER: One very famous document has guided the lives of all Americans. Liberals hate some parts of it, while conservatives hate the rest. Yes, the Constitution is 200 years old -- and faces yet another challenge. The new Supreme Court nominee will test whether the Constitution's Bork is worse than its bite.

ACTION: Judge types in robes get rounded up and tied down...

MUSIC: LIBERTY BELL MARCH (Monty Python)

FORMATION: A Guitar

ANNOUNCER: Not all anniversaries are happy ones. For it was ten years ago that we lost... Elvis. Yes, The King is gone - or is he? Could he be living on his own South Pacific island? Could he be his own South Pacific island? Or is his brain being held hostage by evil aliens from the planet Zort? Enquiring minds want to know!

MOB: I WANT TO KNOW!

ACTION: Elvis impersonators have a field day... film at 11.

MUSIC: JAILHOUSE ROCK

FORMATION: Scatter into S P A M

ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids! When you came home from a long day at school, where a math class looks like nap time, P.E. looks like boot camp, and the girl flirting with you looks like Jabba the Hutt, what's the first thing you do? Why, reach for a Golden Anniversary can of Spam[reg.], of course!

MOB: MMMMMMMMMM...

ANNOUNCER: Spam[reg.] has been America's favorite after-school snack since 1937. So accept no imitations. Reach for the taste that will stick with you for days. Reach for Spam[reg.] -- because it's canned meat, and it's fifty years old.

ACTION: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam...

MUSIC: EVERYONE IS EVERYTHING

FORMATION: Scatter into R I C E

ANNOUNCER: But there is one anniversary that stands out from all the rest. It's the septuaquinquennial!

MOB: WHAT?

ANNOUNCER: The demisesquicentennial!

MOB: WHAT?

ANNOUNCER: Rice is 75 years old!

MOB: Oh...

ANNOUNCER: And even after three quarters of a century, Rice students are still active, happy people... when given the correct stimulant. Watch as we shut the students' brains off!

ACTION: Oh, there's a certain university... where the students are trained by Pavlov... when they hear a certain song, they just drool right on along, like their brains have just been hacked off...

MUSIC: LOUIE

FORMATION: Beat a hasty retreat...