Rice v SMU 9-5-98

MOB: GO RICE!

FORMATION: $$

ANNOUNCER: Hello and welcome to Operation Sellout II, another fine product from your Sports Marketing Team! Thanks to their tireless efforts, today you can go into any college stadium and enjoy the same familiar, homogenized, least-common-denominator product you expect from network television and fast-food restaurants. Welcome… to the age of Professional College Sports!

MUSIC: Gigolo (short)

ACTION: Sports marketers read from large textbooks labelled (obviously) "Sports Marketing" and "How to Be Exactly Like Every Other School." Consulting these books, they bring out a large, sinister-looking device, the Marketron Sportomizer 1000™. Meanwhile, fans in bright colors (real fanatics in face paint and all that stuff) are arriving, carrying school-spirit-related signs; song ends, MOB scatters to…

FORMATION: AUDIO TAPE REELS

ANNOUNCER: Don't you just hate it when you go to a game and have to listen to the other school's fight song over and over again all… day… long… ?

MUSIC: (MOB trombones briefly plays "Wah-wah-wah" in imitation of SMU band.)

ANNOUNCER: No problem - Sports Marketing has discovered the way to produce demographically consistent cheering behavior from 62.5% of sports fans using only canned electronic recordings of "We Will Rock You", the "Hey" song, and classic Seventies disco. So get ready to react without thinking to the new

National Standard Fight Song!

MUSIC: YMCA

ACTION: Tape reels turn; Sports Marketers shove raw material into the Sportomizer™, which churns out a series of beige musical notes. The fans do the "YMCA" bit without any enthusiasm (indeed, without even standing up). The beige musical notes assault them without mercy until they act like they're enjoying it; song ends, MOB scatters to…

FORMATION: Football Field (Rectangle)

ANNOUNCER: But what good is generic music if the teams keep messing it up with their clashing styles, unique personalities, and school spirit? Sports Marketing has the answer! From now on, all teams will have the same colors! Why not? The only color that matters is that lovely shade of green… in your wallet...

MUSIC: Money for Nothing

ACTION: The Sportomizer™ now churns out a series of identical football players, all wearing jerseys of dollar-bill green and with $$ on their backs instead of numbers. They play football but nobody can tell which team is which. It doesn't matter anyway. Meanwhile, the marketers pass out all-beige clothing to the fans, and replace their school spirit signs with ones reading "Go Team 1", "Go Team 2" and "THX-1138" (These bland items probably also come out of the Sportomizer™.) song ends, MOB just stands there…

ANNOUNCER: (dreary monotone)

All Sports Marketing objectives met.

All personality eliminated.

School spirit is irrelevant.

You will be assimilated.

ACTION: Blaster noise and fire-extinguisher smoke from the pressbox.

DIFFERENT ANNOUNCER: The MOB will never be assimilated!

MOB: NO!

MOB AGAIN: WE'RE FROM RICE!

AIN'T THAT NICE!

WHO ARE YOU?

DO YOU KNOW?

EXIT: Scatter off the field.

MUSIC: Louie2 played on the sidelines.

NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE