Nov. 21, 1992

THEME... 007 meets Gilligan's Isle

FORMATION: 007

ANNOUNCER: My name is Bond - James Bond. I used to be Agent 007 -license to kill. Now I'm 007, license to collect unemployment. The Cold War's over, and all agents with numbers higher than 006 were laid off. I took my severance pay and blew it on fast horses, old scotch, and young women. After all, I spent the Cold War fighting for peace, and now I wanted a piece of what I'd been fighting for. {24s}

MUSIC: James Bond 007

ACTION: 007, holding a liquor bottle, chases after women and throws money after them until he runs out.

FORMATION: something which is not a spyglass

ANNOUNCER: My funds ran out, and I was forced to beg. I was standing on a street corner holding a sign saying "Will Spy for Food", when some men wearing trenchcoats approached. They wanted me to find something. Almost 30 years ago, this tiny ship started from a tropic port with its mate - a mighty sailing man, and its skipper - brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour... {24s}

MUSIC: tuba Gilligan

MOB: A THREE HOUR TOUR....

ANNOUNCER: The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost... {8s}

MUSIC: tuba Gilligan

MOB: THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST....

ACTION: 007 holds up sign saying "Will Spy for Food"; men in trenchcoats approach and send him on his way; scatter to

FORMATION: boat, with a hole in it

ANNOUNCER: With the help of a local television station I found their damaged boat aground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle. Judging from the damage, only one thing could have caused it: a Navy guided-missile test had Harpooned the Minnow.

{14s}

MUSIC: Great Balls of Fire

ACTION: The Minnow undergoes a terrible ordeal at sea while the Navy lobs shells at it.

time-expires-end-of-show-end-of-show-end-of-show-end-of-show-end-of-show-

FORMATION: USN

ANNOUNCER: To my surprise, the castaways didn't want to be rescued. The professor was helping Mary Ann write a musical about their adventures. The Howells didn't want to pay the back taxes. Skipper and Gilligan were having a gay old time. And Ginger had taken to running around the island - naked. I had my Naval-investigator friends cover her up. {18s}

MUSIC: Stay

ACTION: Naval investigators run around aimlessly with lots ofbimbos and can't see the perfectly obvious [we can't mention Tailhook but nobody said anything about not re-enacting it...].

FORMATION: Pregame Shield

ANNOUNCER: I liked the place so much that I retired there and we started our own country. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please rise for the playing of the national anthem - of the Republic of Gilligan's Isle.... {10s}

MUSIC: drumroll...

ANNOUNCER: See, we got through the whole show without mentioning Tailhook...

MUSIC: Louie

ACTION: All the Naval-types, who are standing and saluting in anticipation of hearing "The Star-Spangled Banner" , lookfoolish as the MOB goes off the field.

EPILOGUE: This was a seriously truncated show. The athletic department introduced the parents of all of the senior football players and used nine minutes instead of the four that they had claimed. The Navy band's drum corp continued to play long after they were off of the field and pretty much drowned out the first segment of the script. [We did , however, run onto the field before their show was over, wishfully thinking that they were through.] We finished Great Balls of Fire and then fled the field, with about 14 seconds left on the clock. The crowd got to hear the final punchline of the first segment and they did laugh. They sang along to the Gilligan lines. And even the Navy band laughed and cheered for the Harpoon joke (best response). Don't remember the halftime score. We won 27-22; first winning season since 1963. The crowd tore down the north goalpost before Navy could go for their final point-after (they scored as time expired). They had to clear the field and finally go for it at the south end of the stadium; they made the two point conversion.

Note: This was the wettest game I ever attended. Thunderstorms swept through Houston, and tornados were striking down everywhere, including Rice campus. The game was halted for an hour in the 3rd quarter when the rain got too bad, and we had a great time playing for the people huddled under the promenade. Still one of the most exciting games I've ever been to, tying with Rice vs. UT, 1994.-S.S.

Overall grade: B (it would have been nice to finish...)

Attendance: 23K+