"NERDS II"

Draft 10-25-89

ENTRANCE: MOB enters field to "Pre-NERD" formation

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon and welcome to Geraldo. Today on the program we'll be taking a look at the number one health threat in the country, the deadly disease causing political controversy and medical confusion as it spreads across college campuses everywhere. I'm speaking, of course, about the disease known as: N.E.R.D.S.

FORMATION: Snap to "NERD" or "NERDS"

ACTION: Medical humans try to research NERDS, but accidentally infect themselves and become NERDS.

MUSIC: Toccata

At end of song, scatter to...

FORMATION: Horn-Rimmed Glasses.(During script, SA NERDS infect the band)

ANNOUNCER: N.E.R.D.S. is highly contagious and people in high-risk groups, such as engineering majors and band members, should be on the lookout for anyone showing the following symptoms: horn-rimmed glasses, tightly buttoned shirt collars, overstuffed pocket protectors, and excessive overindulgence in multisyllabic utterances-- (clears throat hastily) -- excuse me, I mean "using lots of big words." If you encounter anyone you believe to be infected with this disease, avoid all contact! Panic and hysteria are unnecessary, but they will {might} help.

MUSIC: Soul Man

ACTION: All MOB changes to NERDS-- shirts buttoned to the top, hat on backwards, pants pulled up to chin, one shirt tail hanging out, etc.

At end of song, scatter to...

FORMATION: Slide Rule.

ANNOUNCER: Once infected with the disease, the victim becomes firmly convinced that he is wildly successful with members of the opposite sex, a delusion made all the more pathetic as you listen to the following tape recording of pickup lines actually used by known NERDS:

NERD Voice: Hey, baby, wanna interface with my peripherals? Hey, if you come back to my place, I'll show you my software! Hi, my I.Q. is 197, will you go out with me? (NERD Laughter)

MUSIC: Whole Lotta Shakin'

ACTION: NERD Party. Some NERDS attempt to dance with each other. The majority prefer to sit quietly in front of a computer, or play chess with each other. Others do homework that isn't due until a week from next Tuesday. A lot of them are reading books that are a yard thick, or perhaps trying to dance with them.

At end of song, scatter to...

FORMATION: Something.

ANNOUNCER: The N.E.R.D.'s future is not bright. Unable to relate to his fellow human beings, the victim of this hideous disease is condemned to a lonely, solitary life as a CPA, a computer programmer, or a band director. When {where} the NERD walks, he walks alone... (A dramatic pause, then more NERD laughter).

MUSIC: Gigolo

ACTION: ?

At end of song, don't bother to scatter; you're leaving soon anyway.

ANNOUNCER: But there is hope. Recent FDA-sponsored research has shown that exposure to a certain song can reduce intelligence by as much as fifty percent, completely eradicating the disease. As a public service to our audience, we will now administer a preventative dose, completely free of charge.

MUSIC: Louie, Louie

ACTION: Exit

(After MOB is just about off the field, one final word:)

ANNOUNCER: Next time on Geraldo, we'll look at the growing problems facing left-handed aboriginal artichoke-harvesters.

NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE.