I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY... NOW WHAT DO I DO?
| FIRST OF ALL, DON'T PANIC! |
For many young men who feel they might be gay, it can seem like the end of the world. Well, good news... It's not. That doesn't necessarily mean that everything is going to be a breeze, but it does mean that you can go on to live a happy, fulfilled life.
| WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE GAY? |
Males who are gay are physically and sexually attracted to other males. Additionally, we develop romantic emotions and love for other men, the same way straight males do for women. These feelings are completely natural for a gay man. Often, men who are starting to become aware of being gay describe these emotions as "just feeling right."
You might have had girlfriends in the past or have one now. You might even have had sex with girls and feelings for them. That's not unusual. However, gay men who have had previous relationships with women often my they felt as if something was missing; they say their feelings for men became stronger and more important.
Another BIG concern for nearly every young gay man is that he feels he is the only one. Well, more good news... you're not. A famous study called the Kinsey Report was done clear back in 1948 (yes, that's even before MTV!). It found that approximately ten percent of the adult male population was homosexual. For many years, various other studies have placed the number somewhere between five and fifteen percent. However, a recent research group claims to have found only one to two percent of the population to be gay. This finding is currently very much in dispute.
The important thing is, you are DEFINITELY not alone. We are in every walk of life. There have been many famous gay men throughout history. Today, we are professional athletes, scientists, artists, lawyers, teachers, doctors, movie stars, mechanics, fast food workers, store clerks, judges, and engineers. We are Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Catholic, Baptist, rich, poor, and well... you get the picture! We are everywhere you look.
| HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M GAY? |
Now this is one of the tougher questions. One of the reasons it is difficult to answer is that different people understand their romantic or sexual feelings at different ages. Because of this, some young man may confuse particularly strong friendships with gay emotions. However, most of us begin to understand the difference once our feelings for other men become sexual in nature.
"I never had any real attraction towards women, but I really knew that I was gay when puberty began. I felt an attraction toward the other boys, and I was curious to find out what they were like." --James, age 17
Also, depending on the environment in which we are raised, some of us may feel pressured to suppress or deny that we have gay feelings. That's probably an understatement, right? Nevertheless, you may feel different from the other guys. You may find yourslef "checking out" other boys or men. Dating girls may not interest you. You may feel confused whether or not you are gay.
Confusion may not be helped by other people's opinions. Many adults will tell us that we're too young to call ourselves gay, or that we're going through a phase, or that we don't know what we're talking about. Usually that's their way of avoiding the fact that some of us are gay youth.
If you think you might be gay, ask yourself:
- When I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls?
- Have I ever had a crush on or been in love with a boy or a man?
- Do I feel different from the other guys?
If you're still not sure you are gay, don't worry about It. Never feel pressured to stick a label on yourself. When the time Is right for you, you'll know.
| AM I NORMAL? |
Yes, you are normal. Despite what you may have heard, it is perfectly natural for some people to be attracted to members of their same sex... Admittedly, it's not something that's encouraged in our society. Because of this prejudice, many people push away these feelings.
It's normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're gay or straight. What's really important is that we learn to like ourselves.
| WHAT IS IS LIKE TO BE YOUNG AND GAY? |
Still more good news... there is no "right" or "wrong" way to be gay! Because of those stereotypes we've all grown up with, you might think you have to be a certain way if you're gay. Forget that.
Gay men cam in every possible description. Your sexual orientatation is only one part of who you are. You probably have hobbies and interests that are the same as your straight friends. Just go right enjoying the same activities you always have.
However, because of homphobia and prejudice, some people don't accept others who are gay. Gay men and lesbians suffer from discrimination and violence. It's not easy to discover you are gay. People tend to hate or fear what they understand, and many people don't understand being gay. Some people are just uncomfortable being around gay men or lesbians.
Knowing this, you might choose to hide your gay feelings from others, or even hide them from yourself. Maybe you avoid other kids who migh be gay because of what people will think. When we work this hard to conceal our thoughts and feelings, it's called being in the closet. It can be a painful and lonely place to be, even if we stay there to survive.
Not only is the closet a lonely place, but it takes a great deal of energy to do this much hiding. Expending this energy and concealing yourself eventually leads to unhappiness. You may have become so unhappy that you've tried alcohol or other drugs to numb these feelings. As the unhappiness gets worse, it can make you depressed. If the depression has gotten bad enough, you may even have considered suicide. That's one of the reasons why there are many gay and lesbian support organizations.
If you are having problems like these, please look in the phone book for the Samaritans or another hotline. You don't have to feel badly. There are some terrific alternatives! Many of the support organizations for gays offer a wide variety of services, from social groups, where you can meet other gay friends, to counseling. Check out the resources listed at the end of this brochure.
| WHO SHOULD I TELL? |
This can be a bit touchy. The process of becoming comfortable with your sexuality and accepting yourself as a gay male is known as "coming out." When we become comfortable enough to tell others, that's called "coming out to them." Unfortunately, not everybody in this world will think your coming out is quite as wonderful as if you had won the lottery. This is one reason we must be careful who we tell, especially at first.
While it can be important for other people to know about us, it is most important that we use good judgment about whom we tell. Some friends may tell other people without your permission. There are some adults who may try to take advantage of us sexually if they know we are gay. Family members can be the most difficult people to tell. Even though some families are very supportive, some gay youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out. Only you can decide whether or not to tell your family and choose the right time.
| WILL I EVER HAVE SEX? |
Of course you will, but don't rush into it! It is never easy to hear that we should "take things slowly," or "wait until we are older." However, when it comes to sex, these ideas can apply.
It is completely normal for you to think about finding an outlet for your sexual feelings. During our teen years we are frequently preoccupied with sexual thoughts and fantasies. Nevertheless, the notion of actually having sex with another man may scare you. That's okay. It's thte same for a lot of us, especially if it's our first time.
Most importantly, you should only decide to have sex when you feel ready. You'll know when it's time for you. Never let yourself be pressured into it. If he cares enough about you to share himself sexually, he should care enough to wait until you are ready.
What actually happens when gay men have sex varies greatly. Practices include masturbation (either alone or with another person), oral sex, anal intercourse, kissing, hugging, massage, westling, holding hands, cuddling, or anything else that appeals to BOTH partners. We can use our imaginations, but remember, you are in complete control over what you do sexually, and with whom!
| WHAT ABOUT AIDS? |
You may be tired of hearing about AIDS, but believe it or not, some people still don't have the facts.
- Being gay does not cause Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS); it is caused by the Human Immuno Virus (HIV).
- Everybody (gay or straight) is capable of catching and carrying the virus.
- Unprotected sexual activities involving exchange of body fluids (semen or blood) between partners really increase the risk of catching HIV. Also, sharing needles for intravenous (injecting into a vein) drug use will greatly increase the chance of getting AIDS.
- Once the virus enters a human body, it takes approximately six months for the immune system to develop antibodies against it. These antibodies are what the "AIDS blood test" detects. A positive test result for the HIV antibodies means the person is carrying the AIDS virus.
- The virus can remain dormant in someone's body for many years. Some estimates are as long as ten years before symptorns of the AIDS disease begin. Other victims become ill and die within just a couple of years.
- There currently is no vaccination against HIV. A vaccination would be taken before ever contacting the virus and would prevent becoming ill from it, like for smallpox.
- There currently is no cure for AIDS.
To help decrease the risk of contracting AIDS:
- Do not shoot up drugs. If you do, do not share needles.
- Avoid anal intercourse (placing the penis inside someone's rectum). If you do engage in anal intercourse, use a new LATEX condom every time. Condoms made of natural materials (lamb skin, etc.) break down and allow the virus through.
- Use a new LATEX condom every time you engage in oral sex.
- Use LATEX condoms with "reservoir tips." Be sure to squeeze the air out from the tip as you put it on. Keep it on THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SEX ACT. Hold onto the condom as you remove the penis; it can slip off after sex.
- If you use lubricants, make sure they are water-based. Petroleum based lubriacnts, like Vaseline, weaken ALL concdomes (even latex).
- Choose sexual activities that do not involve intercourse. Maybe try hugging, kissing, talking, massaging, or masturbation ON UNBROKEN SKIN.
Especially in the age of AIDS, sex is a very serious topic. It's one to consider with maturity and armed with knowledge.
| HOW CAN I MEET OTHER GAY MALES, ESPECIALLY MY AGE? |
Check your phone book for a local hotline (remember to look under both "G" for "Gay" and "H" for "Homosexual"). If you find one, call and ask for gay and lesbian organizations in your area. There may even be a gay and lesbian youth group near you!
Many colleges and universities have gay and lesbian campus groups. Some even have gay fraternities. The national gay fraternity is name Delta Lambda Phi. As of November 2000, there were 18 chpaters across the United States, operating at such places as the Universtiy of Minnesota, Purdue University (Indiana), and Boise State University (Idaho). The national executive director, Lou Camera, can be contacted at: Delta Lambda Phi, 1008 10th Street, Suite 374, Sacramento, California 95814; telephone (800) 988-2783. Delta Lambda Phi's website is at www.dlp.org.
Look for a gay/lesbian newspaper in your are. Check local bookstores, health food stores and gay businesses for copies.
Contact the reources listed at the end of this brochure.
| BOOKS |
One Teenager In Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth, 1983, ed. Ann Heron, Alyson Publications, 40 Plympton Street, Boston, MA 02118.
Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbian and Gay Children Talk About Their Experiences, 1986, Griffin, Wirth and Wirth, Prentice-Hall
Looking at Gay and Lesbian Life, 1988, Warren Blumenfeld and Diane Raymond, Beacon Press
How To Be A Happy Homosexual, 1990, Terry Sanderson, Alyson Publications. This book is published in England, but distributed by Alyson.
Tale of the Closet (comic book about being gay), Ivan Velez, Hetrick-Main Institute for the Protection of Lesbian and Gay Youth, 401 West Street, New York, NY 10014
Out (gay magazine), Out Publishing, Inc., 110 Greene St., Suite 800, New York, NY 10012. Telephone: (212) 334-9119
Genre (gay magazine), GENRE, Box 25169, Anaheim, CA 92825. To subscribe by telephone: (800) 576-9933 (credit card required to subscribe by phone). You can subscribe by sending payment through the mail. For mail subscription information, call: (714) 533-4083 between 8:30 AM and 4:30 PM Pacific Time.
Gay Modern Classics, The Gay Men's Press (GMP) Publishers Ltd., P.O. Box 247, London N17 9 QR, England
| TOLL-FREE HOTLINES |
You may want to call a hotline to speak to someone about being gay... You may want to call from a phone booth for privacy. The people at the hotline will let you talk about your feelings and will direct you to organizations that help gay people. Ask about a gay youth group in your area.
These hotline numbers were accurate as of January 1994 and are toll-free from anywhere in the United States. Hotlines sometimes change. If these don't work, try looking in a phone book. Most major cities have a gay and lesbian hotline.
- National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-621-4000
- National AIDS Hotline: 1-800-342-AIDS
- Out Youth: 1-800-96-YOUTH
| LOCAL GAY ORGANIZATIONS |
Check out the white pages of your telephone book under "gay," "lesbian," or "homosexual." Especially look for hotlines, counseling agencies and youth groups.
Gay/Lesbian Switchboard of Houston: 1-713-529-3211
H.A.T.C.H., the Houston Area Teen Coalition of Homosexuals, P.O. Box 667053, Houston, TX 77266-7053, Phone: (713) 942-7002
This brochure is made possible through the efforts of all the H.A.T.C.H. facilitators.
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