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Will Bielinski
Year: Junior
Height: 6'4
Hometown: Houston, TX
Bio:
Many players’ first impression upon seeing this rather tall and big
“athlete” step up to the plate is one of fear and intimidation. However
it does not take long for him to swing blindly, albeit powerfully, and
miss with flying colors. And thus begins the epic tale of Will Bielinski.
Hailing from Houston, TX, Will has enjoyed a colorful but sometimes
turbulent career as a baseball player. After being benched and replaced
by a teammate with a broken arm at the time during his stint with the
little leagues, Will vowed to get back in top shape and refine his
skills so as not to run into the same fate. Unfortunately, Will would
end up being benched again by his best friend’s father during another
baseball game as well as by his friends during a round of Rockband. As a
result, Will turned to his only friend—Keystone, and thus picked up his
newfound ability to drink massive amounts of alcohol and transform into
his alter ego, Will Belligerinski. Fortunately, this behemoth of a
second baseman has managed to find a use for this angry, bitter
counterpart—especially for riling up opposing teams and talking absurd
amounts of trash to even his fellow teammates. Some question whether
this negative re-enforcement of his really poses any true value to the
team, but Will would promptly reply with a “fuckin lick dong,” thus
shutting up all his critics. Will is also the master of nicknames,
having coined the ever popular and famous name, “Ass to Mouth”, for the
beloved Rikk Alessi. Though no stranger to the dugout, some have claimed
to actually see Will cleanly field a grounder at second base, perhaps
suggesting that he has been able to maintain whatever skill he ever
possessed in spite of a deteriorating liver and self-esteem. Just don’t
ask him play outfield during a Rice University Intermural Co-ed Slow
Pitch Softball game.
During the off season when not in training (which is year round for
him), Will enjoys visiting the Carl Sandburg house, constructing finely
crafted beeryamids, sabotaging his own friendships, and being a
connoisseur in cheap, Canadian whiskey. He’s a great guy to have in the
dugout and on the team. The best part is, should you ever find yourself
in a fight during a game, you can always count on Will to pull a
Jermaine O’Neal-styled sucker punch out of nowhere to help your sorry
ass out.
So remember, in the words of William Thaddeus Bielinski, “Go Fuck yourself.”